A life of letting go: Part 2

A few weeks ago I posted about letting go and trusting God.  I talked about my issues with worry and how I needed to let those go and trust God to take care of us.  All of those things are good and were issues that I needed to address, but there is another issue.  It is something that has plagued me for a long time and something that I have not wanted to even admit.  It is something that can destroy everything, even things that have nothing to do with issue.  It is hate.  I hate someone.  How can I love God when I hate another human so much I can barely breath when I have to see him or talk to him.  This is something I have a hard time admitting because I don't want to show off this side of me.  I don't want people to know how I really am.  I want to keep it hidden away where only I can see it.  But that is the problem.  If it is hidden away I can never get rid of it.  I need people to know because you cannot hold yourself accountable.  It is way too easy to slack off if only you know your problem.
So after saying all this the question is what am I going to do about it?  That is the other problem.  I know at least some of the things I need to do to address this, but I am not to the point where I want to.  How do you get rid of hate when you want to hang on to it?  I feel like I am in battle with myself.  I do want to get rid of it, but I also want to keep it burning.  I want to draw close to God, but I don't want to let this person off the hook.  I feel like he deserves to be hated and I want him to know exactly how much I do.  Do you see how dark my spirit is?  There is no way for me to draw close to God and to show Christ's love to others when I carry this darkness around.  Hate is like a festering wound and it will spread disease if it is not treated.  I don't want it to destroy me and my loved ones.  I don't want to set this as an example for my children.  It is time to face it and let it go.  This post is the first step.  I am openly admitting this issue to all of you so that I can no longer hide it away and let it grow.  It is not going to be easy, but nothing worth while ever is, is it?  I know there will be days when I don't want to let it go.  Days when it will be easier to hang on to it.  That is where God comes in.  It is His strength alone that will make this possible.

"I can do everything through him who give me strength."

~Philippians 4:13

I guess in a sense I feel like hating this individual is some sort of punishment or my way of getting revenge.  I want to make him suffer as he made me suffer.  That is not the way God wants us to feel for our "enemies".  God tells us we are to love our enemies.  

"But I tell you who hear me:  Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you."

~Luke 6:27-28

It's pretty clear.  I know what I have to do.  Now I just have to do it.

Father,  I know what You want of us.  I know what You have called us to do and who You have called us to be.  Sometimes it is so hard to get over our own human-ness and rise above the petty things we cling to in this life.  I don't want to cling to these things anymore.   I want to let go of them so that I have both hands free to cling to You.  I can't do it alone though.  I need your help and your strength.  Please help me to turn from the sin that has been crippling my spirit and keeping me from You.  I love you Jesus.  In Your name I pray all these things.  Amen.

Emma's Kiddie Kollege Graduation

Emma graduated from Kiddie Kollege (pre-school) last Monday.  She was so cute in her little cap and gown.  Her class sang a few songs and then they were presented with their diplomas.  Emma sang, but she would not do any of the choreography.  She just stood there and smiled at us.  I took some video, but I am really sad that I missed them announcing what she wanted to be.  At least she got to wear a badge that said, "When I grow up I want to be a mommy."  She actually says she wants to be momma!  It is amazing how such a simple statement can make all the frustration of motherhood completely worth it!

Pastor Pat opening the ceremony

Mrs. White leading the procession

She is very excited!

She kept rubbing her eyes and face instead of singing

Flashlight for singing "This little light of mine"

Her hat fell off and just hung on the side of her head.  Mrs. Gaede finally noticed it and put it back on for her.

Big Yawn!

Slide show

Emma and Megan.  Best friends!

Getting her diploma

Singing "God bless the USA"

Joshua was bored.

Making funny faces after the program

Our Foamer

Those of you who know Jared, know that he is somewhat of a train fanatic.  I learned this early on when we first started dating.  He gave me his e-mail address at the time which was sd70m.  I had no idea what that was until he told me it had to do with trains.  Since we have been married I have received an education about trains.  How many of you could identify the earthworm?  I have also learned that the name for an extreme fanatic is a "foamer".  This is someone who can be moved to tears at the sighting of train or those who will drive for days just to take a picture of a specific train.  Jared is not this bad, however his son is exhibiting foamer tendencies.  To say that Joshua loves trains is a bit of an understatement.  Anytime he hears the whistles, which if you know Shafter that is all the time, he stops what he is doing and and points to the door.  He can't say train yet, but he says "Joon" which we have discovered is his word for train.  When he sees a train he yells "Joon" over and over and also makes his little train sounds, "shooka, shooka, shooka".  Sometimes he gets so excited he kicks his legs (when he is in his car seat), he throws his head side to side, and screams and laughs while clapping his hands.  It is quite a sight.  Occasionally Jared stops along the road and gets Joshua out of the car to watch a train pass and he can hardly get him out of his car seat because he is so wiggly with excitement.  It brings a tear to daddy's eye.  Jared also started watching train videos on youtube with Joshua.  He has actually created a monster.  The second Jared walks in the door after work, Joshua is there pulling on his leg and pointing at the computer.  He doesn't even give Jared time to take his shoes off!  While this sometimes frustrates Jared, I know he is secretly very proud of his little foamer. 

I love this picture.

Joshua watching Amtrak at the Tehachapi loop.  If you look at his lips you can see he is yelling "Joon"

Amtrak train station in Pismo.  I wish we could have been on the other side of the fence because Joshua had his little cheek pressed against the rail and was reaching as far as he could towards the train.

This was Joshua's first trip to the train hill.  Jared did not want to take him too soon because he was afraid the whistles would scare him.  It turns out he did not have anything to worry about.

Joshua watching trains on youtube.